Favorite’s Playlist on Shuffle, I’m Fessing up to the First Five

…and why. Should be fun. I’m just as bipolar with my taste in music as I am in personality. Let’s do this!

I actually got the idea for this blog off of a blog idea generator on Google. Pretty stupid, but it sounded fun. And by this point we all know how much I love to write about me. I mean, why not? I’m very knowledgeable on the subject. I would even go as far as to say that I’m what I know most about above all else. Y’all are in luck. Reading the words of a true expert of forty plus year’s here. If there’s something you wanna know about Ms. Grey, I fucking know it. I’m your man. Er, woman. Whatever. Shall we begin? And you know what? I’m in a decent mood. I’ll even post the songs at the end of the blog for your listening pleasure, if that would so please you. You’re welcome.

I’m using Spotify, and I have it linked in the footed with a handy dandy widget, so you’re welcome to check out my profile, if you wish and see for yourself that I’m obviously a Gen-X, heavily influenced by the 90’s grunge rock scene and pop culture at the time. Probably what happened to my manners, respect for authority, my ability to give a flying fuck and why I battled addiction on and off for a decade in early adulthood. Not to mention I was a high school drop out and guilty of a teenage pregnancy. Why the fuck I’m talking about that…? I don’t know! Cause it’s my blog and I can. Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but the point I was trying to make here was the playlist I’m going to out on random right now currently has 162 songs on it, but that number is in constant fluctuation, kinda like my moods, but it does have a reoccurring theme and that theme is most of those songs are from the 90’s and the are rock, rock-alternative, grunge-rock and random rap, hip-hop or club music from the era. Then there’s stuff that my kids liked and I kinda picked it up. What you absolutely will not see is country. We all know that’s not really music. Do not debate me on that. I don’t speak fucktard and I’ll just ignore you.

That’s real history. I fact checked it, yo.

All righty, let’s fucking do this, damnit!

Song number one: Yellow by Coldplay; Okay, this song wasn’t a 90’s song. This album, “Parachutes” was released in 2000, the year that my daughter was born. The lyrics to this song are probably meant to be romantic, I don’t rightly know. But to me they sounded of a dedicated and a type of sacrificial love, like the love a mother would have for her children. There where periods of time when my children were young that we couldn’t be together and I had dedicated this song to them. I don’t know that my sons remember that, oddly enough my daughter does. When she got older, she told me she finally understood why I dedicated that song to them. She’s the best daughter in the world. I don’t even care how awesome you think yours might be, you’re wrong. Sure, I’m sure she’s great, but she aint shit compared to how amazing my daughter is. I am her favorite human in the entire world in and of all time, and she is mine. Top that, fucker.

Test me. I will cut a bitch.

Three songs, maybe four played while I typed that out. So… we shall reshuffle. Yeah? Yeah.

Song number two: Time in a Bottle by Jim Croce; okay, so again, not a 90’s rock song. But I am keeping my bipolar promise to you. Amirite? This song came out five years before I was even born. The story behind loving this song goes a little something like this: I’ve said in earlier blogs that my family was very poor growing up. I wanted my own cassette player for years and years. My oldest sister had one and I remember just worshiping the ground she walked on. She’s fourteen year’s older than I am, from my dad’s first marriage. Beautiful! She loved Supertramp, still does. When I was little she had a record player. But when cassette players came out, man! I super wanted one, and I wanted to be pretty and so cool like my sister. Finally, on my ninth birthday my parents had gotten me a small cassette player. I was fucking insane with excitement!!! Thing is, that’s it. They were tapped out. My sister had long moved out by then and I hadn’t, obviously, bought any cassettes. Like, why would I? So my mom borrowed two cassettes from a friend, or got them at a garage sale or something? I don’t remember. One was Gloria Estefan, I didn’t care much for her. And the other was Jim Croce. Time in a Bottle and Bad, Bad Leroy Brown where my favorite songs until I turned ten and got New Kids on the Block’s first cassette tape. Remember those guys??? Hahahaha! Anyway, I always wanted Time in a Bottle to be my wedding song. Being married twice, you would think I would have had that happened, but it didn’t. Just as well, both marriages ended.

can you have more than two?

And moving right along…

Song number three: Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town by Pear Jam. See?!?!?! Told you! Alt-Rock! 90’s, Boo-Yeah! This not only has one of the longest song titles, like, fucking ever, but it should have been named something like Fade Away or Hearts and Thoughts. But that’s probably why Eddy Vedder is a musical genius who will forever be a legend and I’m reliving my glory days through a blog nobody fucking reads. Amirite? I’m always right. The album is Vs. and was released in 1993. I was 14 years old. This is still one of my most favorite songs of all time. My closest, dearest, life long friend of thirty-four years and I spent summers listening to PJ (Pearl Jam) and loved all their albums. There isn’t a song by them from that decade that doesn’t remind me of being a teenager and of a friend so close that she was more to me than a sister. I say was because a year ago she has decided to end our friendship over a man. It happens, I know. It’s just never happened to us before. Her and I grew up together, helped each other through the hell that was our childhood, our boyfriends, drugs, homelessness, teenage pregnancies, we raised our children together, we were always the maid of honor at one another’s wedding’s. Second to none, she was my human. Because of her existence, the trust and the deep rooted bond that I had with her since I was seven years old, I actually had faith that there were more like her. That I may, someday, be able to have more happy, healthy and trustful relationships. Now, over her man not liking me, and unwanted dog and $4,000, a friendship literally consisting of a lifetime has been completely dissolved. I’ve made many efforts over the last year to resolve things, as her and I always could. It hurts more deeply that I can say. But she’s a ghost to me now but her own choice, I’m still here should she ever need me… for me, all that’s left is Pearl Jam.

“Thanks for the friendship, thank you for every time you made me smile. Thanks for the love you showed me, even though it was only for a little while. It’s true my heart is broken, and yes my eyes did cry. But the pain is almost over, now because I’m learning I have to say goodbye…

Even though we promised we never would unless it really was time. It’s time. Bye, Paula. Love you.

Another Fucking tangent, I know. I’m a middle aged, empty nester, twice divorced woman with mental health issues who suffers from chronic loneliness, severe poverty and has a chihuahua. Overall, I fell I’m handling it pretty well, ok?

Song number four: Wicked Game – Acoustic, Live by Stone Sour, performed in 2005, a remake of Chris Isaak’s original song written in 1989. I loved this song growing up, it breaks my heart and moves my heart at the same time. I remember watching the MTV video and thinking it was so erotic. This beautiful half naked woman, perfect body, just kinda rolling on the beach and lots on sand on her boobs….? Lots of shots of that anyway…. And sometimes (Chris Isaak, I’m assuming?) rolls around with her and makes out with her. Then, at the end of the video he just walks away leaving her laying there… like a boss!! But it’s sad, though. They lyrics are haunting and raw and make me feel like what love makes me feel like. Scared… It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do. I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you and I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you. Fuck that!! No, I don’t wanna fall in love this world is only gonna break your heart. You know what I mean?? Shit’s not worth the risk. I’ve tried it, like a lot of times. Sure, when it’s good, it’s great! But in the end… Nobody loves no one.

Okay, and last, but surely not least…. you excited? I am. let’s get this over with and fuck this blog in the throat! Yeah!

Song number five: Fine Again by Seether. This is on Disclaimer II album released in 2003, but I didn’t really start listening to it until about 2006 after my first divorce. I was 26-27 years old and during that period of my life I was raising three very young children, going to college full time online, had burred my daughter just a few years prior and my home had burned to the ground a year prior. To top it all off I had just started dating a guy that would make the next two years of my life a living hell by beating the life out of me every time he got drunk, which was by the way, every single night. This album got me through so much of every single emotion that all of this brought on, You have no idea.

Yeah, I know, I’ve dropped a lot of way more interesting blog story topics on you than just merely talking about my playlist. Probably why I’m not more popular. Thing is, my life has been interesting and entertaining to those on the outside looking in. For me it has been extremely traumatic. And every time I’m asked what happened in great detail I have to relive the trauma. I’m just now, in mid-life starting to heal from my past as I still face incredible hardship currently. Maybe someday I’ll have a better memoir, a better blog… a better life legacy story to leave behind for my son for his birthday present.

But for today I have for you some of the ways I managed some of the stressful memories that I have of my past that I’m able to share that aren’t so hard. I have my love for 90’s music and pop culture. I have my profanity. I have my ego covered in spikes. Hopefully that’s still somewhat entertaining. If not, next time I’ll ask one of you to go video yourself deep throating a cactus and I’ll share it on here just so you can prove you’re actually more fun to watch deep throating than I am. Yeah? Good deal. Now, go piss off, or get pissed on, whatever suits your fancy.

Always Yours, April Grey

Thankfully there’s always been music


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Song Number One

Song Number Two

Song Number Three

Song Number Four

Song Number Five

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