Aren’t You Dying to Know More About Me and What I Think?
Yeah, I Fucking Thought So.
I don’t know if y’all knew this about me, but I’m an Aries, bitches. Go ahead, y’all can sit your asses back down now. This might be a read. We’re gonna hash this out. What’s your horoscope sign mean? Does it really seem to fit your personality and life events? And how much do you really think is true? And when I say you, I mean me. We’ll be talking about me today, as usual.
See, my experience in the “occult,” I suppose we could call it, might go back a tad further that I let on. Those questions I assaulted you with? Yeah, I already know the answers to. This is no new subject to me. I’m going to answer them about me for you. You’re welcome. My point is to be objective, here. I was raised on this “the stars have the answers and the universe has mapped your destiny and karma has debts you owe,” kinda shit while you were deep throating your very own cocktail of bullshit about a cheating wife who convinced her husband she was still a virgin while pregnant with the son of a deity. Don’t you fucking judge me. You got the Jesus guilt. I worry of no hell when my time here is done. But we are not here to debate religion, morals, whose right or wrong, or if I need Jesus. I don’t, but thank you, anyway. Please don’t fill my in box with bible quotes and prayers, or threats. One I won’t read and the other just isn’t very nice, now is it?
Aries are the superheroes of the zodiac. They are bold, fast and independent, taking problems and head-butting them into the ether. As the first sign of the zodiac, Aries coincides with spring. They are the season of life after death, the loud alarm that wakes you up in the morning, the Technicolor of Oz after black-and-white Kansas. Aries is the life force that says, “Not today, Satan!” and charges into battle. The ego on these rams can be hard to roll with sometimes, but they are as quick to make up as they are to fight. You’ve got to love them!
So, there’s that. Now, I have like about ten blogs up. Maybe five actual blog pages. If you’ve actually read them all (you haven’t) or possibly more that one (it’s a possibility) than that statement about isn’t too far fetched. A lot of people who know me personally would probably agree with Kiki, there.
A quick run down on the stats. Aries are the first sign of the Zodiac. Known as the children of the Zodiac, but also the Pioneers, the Leaders. Our color is red, hence my chosen font color for this page. Aries was the God of War in Greek Mythology, so we get a bad rap for being aggressive and egotistical.
But due to out child-like nature, we’re actual like soldiers in training. Like sure, we could hurt you, but we don’t really want to and we don’t say mad for long. Often, minutes after getting upset we tend to forgive quickly and quite genuinely forget why the whole shit show stated in the first place. Our ruling planet is Mars, the planet of War, again, but it also rule the head and the ego. We tend to be over-thinkers. Yes, we have egos. Sometimes, misplaced or over-inflated. Again, we’re children, though. Tons of energy, still quiet innocent and naturally we are good at most things we put our minds to. Because we’re aggressive and naïve, we also become very competitive. But we always win, so it really only encourages our bad behavior. Do you see why we come off as crazy? We’re doomed bi-polar from birth. Ya know? Sad, really.
So, is sweet, Ms. Grey, our beloved blogger like this? Does she have these qualities? I mean… she cusses a lot! She does challenge anyone (all the ten people a day who read her shit) on just about anything she writes. That story she wrote to her son was pretty… uh, well, childish. Swear words, honesty, she even made inappropriate jokes. She called his dad a sperm donor. And the one about sex and blow jobs…. oh my. She is so going to hell. Why do we read this shit? She is funny, though. And hot. Like, really fucking hot.
She’s and Aries. There’s nothing not Aries about her. Not since childhood.
But wait… didn’t I say something way at the beginning before I started going on and on and on about how awesome I am (and hot) and good at everything, but it’s not my fault if I seem a little crazy for I am but I child, the universe made me this way and I only seem just a tad bi-polar, but bitch, I will fuck you up! I’ll fucking cut a hoe!
I’ve known this shit, people, since I literally was a child! Objectivity, was my point. God! Was no one paying attention? I realize it’s easy to be distracted by my natural stunning beauty, my charm, wit, amazing sense of humor, amazing talents and the ability to captivate an audience, but fuck people!! I’m more than just a pretty face. If you were paying any attention AT ALL, Kiki said it very clearly,.. I’m quick. I’m a thinker.
You were probably raised as a Jesus worshipper, correct? Assuming that your culture is similar to mine. Probably a first world county, English speaking (or it’s one of the languages of your culture at least), have access to the internet and time to waste reading a bullshit blog such as this instead of having to worry about war, sickness, or starvation. So, since you were taught about Christ since you were a child, and your parents and most other authority figures in your childhood told you that you were Christian, you’re a grown, adult Christian. Maybe you’re not Christian, but believe in a deity of another sort that you share a similar belief system with among family, friends, community, ect. The religion, the deity, doesn’t matter to me. That’s not the point, My point is that you were (or most likely could’ve been) brought up in that belief system or influenced by it in some way, and then so identified with it. Well, since I was little, I was told I am an Aries.
I was told what Aries do, how they behave, how they feel, how they react, ect. How am I now, not to assume that I only have these traits because I was taught to? It’s far easier to understand that I learned what Aries do, and so I did and they did (monkey see, monkey do) then it is to understand that the universe and karma and the energy from the alignments of the planets influenced my soul as it traveled through the detentions to this one at the time I was born, and now so I carry these energies along with me as do all other Aries people who where born under the same energies and influences.
And yessssss….. on the odd chances there’s a fellow astrologer out there is some shitty-bitch Karen-like voice all like, “Meh… It’s not so simple, you’re not just your sun sign, you’re influenced by all the planets and the nodes and the aspects and fakken blah and shitten meh, meh… blah fakk…” you know, like in that voice? YES! Karen, I fucking know!! I’ve been doing natal charts by hand, like with books and studying moon cycles and going to the fucking library to look up where fucking Venus was on August 8, 1956 at 8:18 am to get that shit done sine I was twelve, so go deep throat a cactus and don’t write me a cuntie email. You already know I can out-cunt your ass.
So, in conclusion, I just would like to really draw you’re attention to the point that I don’t have any more answers than you do, or the next Karen or Wendy or Jack-Off or Henry. Literally, none of us have a clue what’s going on, I really enjoyed having this opportunity to brag about how fucking insanely amazing I am, and thank you, dear reader, for putting up with me. Well, that is, if you still are.
Just so it’s not a complete waste of your time, (of course it obviously wasn’t. You enjoyed yourself immensely) if you have any questions about your sign or astrology in general, go hit up my contact me page and send it my way. I’ll do my best to sooth your curiosities or calm your confusions should you have any. And if you just don’t give a shit about fuck, well piss off with ya then.
ARIES ARE THE RAMS…. I MADE THIS LONG AGO ON MY IG. “EVIL LITTLE GOAT” BY PEARL JAM OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN FOR YOURS TRUELY. ENJOY!